Disarray

Disarray

100 balls in the air. Deep uncomfortable breaths. A full moon following me from window to window. It lightens up the backyard- bright enough for me to notice it is dark and I can't see. Breathing deep- a deep nervous unsettling twitching in my body- uncertainty, nervousness. Lost- I want to reach for you, to hold you, to talk to you, to smile with you, to tell you-no to show you that I love you. 

But I love you so much that I don't want to disrupt your world with my chaos.

I saw a picture of you smiling with someone else. It hurt me to the infinite ends of my soul . Still  I look at the picture often because it is nice to see your eyes.

The Parade

     There was a parade of pedestrians and cars all jumbled in as one.  I was in a car with my friend; we were headed towards the middle of the chaos.  I could see policemen and policewomen vigilantly dissecting the crowd-stalking, lurking, maliciously seeking weakness as does a wild animal hunting a heard.
   I often wonder if the police have to take off their smiles and lay down their hearts when they get to work.  If I  walked into a police station and stepped into the locker room would I find shelves of tartar covered pearly whites?  Would the lockers be dripping in blood from their crumbled up hearts that lay there looking more like dirty socks than empathetic machines of love?
    There they were glowing in their yellow jackets with their sparkling badges and subliminally threatening batons.  Stalking the crowd with malice in their eyes.  Of course, I did not care. I did nothing wrong.   Detached by ignorance, innocence and shielded with my defiant carefree laugh- I felt immune.   But somehow evil always finds and preys on an easy stray.
    I have traveled to this country at least ten times. I own these streets. I know important people, I am an important person. I have always been cradled by the people and the culture. I never paid any mind to the warning of all those that knew that someday I would not be safe.
     A knock on the window, a cold mean face says "get out of the car and give me your license."  I show them my credentials. "I don't care", he replies "get out of the car."

It's going to be alright

     I was walking down the street when I saw her. She came towards me with a smile in her eyes and said,

      "Do you know?"

     Not wanting to be out of the loop and as not to interrupt her joyous exuberance. I nodded yes and said,

     "Do you?"

      With that, she smiled and said,

     "Good, you know. Isn't it good?"

     Again so as not to break this ceremonious conversation and not to be exiled from the know. I said,

    "Yes."

     and proceeded to ask,

     "How do you know?"

      To which her face became very serious.  She pulled me close as she started to speak, not quite in a whisper but definitely in a discretionary tone.  She said she heard it from a friend of a friend twice removed. I nodded. I assume not to convincingly and she must have sensed my concern. So she assured me that it "he" was a good source. She had received news from him before, this friend of a friend twice removed. In fact, she would swear on the grave of her mother's neighbors sister who recently died. Again I must have unknowingly shown some disdain or concern because immediately she grabbed me and assured me that this distant friend was only removed because of bad timing, poor location, and an arranged marriage. Her mother's neighbor's sister had been forced to marry a boy she kissed before she was married. This was back when kissing was left for those who had first visited the altar. So, as to calm and clear any suspicions, she was married. Had this not happen she may have well been the actual neighbor of her mother. She assured that her confidence was cemented in the burial cloths of her mother's neighbors sister who recently died and not to worry myself with the degree of separation between her and the solemn oath who if it was not for her being in the wrong place at the wrong time may have very well made them sisters or neighbors. Anyway she said in a very concern and comforting way,

      "Don't worry lad  it's going to be alright."

      I looked at her with calmness in my heart and a certain strength that only comes when you are sure of something. In a world that lately seems to have so many things on its' horizon, I feel good to know that some thing is going to be alright. I'm just not sure what.

     These days when everything that is decided and happens in the world is an after thought that I find out about in the evening news. I feel comfort being back in the know. You know, with "they." They the ones who know. The friends of a friend twice removed. 

I Need you

I need you to hold me close and 

let me lay my head upon your breast while I quench away my thirst

I need to slip silently
slowly
deeply into your sweetness

No questions
No words
No answers

Only the symphony of our bodies exploring endlessly

the infinite possibilities

of lust and desire

An improvised movement of perfection

I need you to look into my eyes
and find everything  

you want to know 

and then, let it go and fade

Fade far away with me

to where our love 

holds the evening stars 

and greets the morning sun

I need you to kiss me
and with your lips devour all my sorrow and breathe in all our love

I need our lips to touch
softly
knowingly
hungrily

I need to swallow your love
to pull your hair to tear you apart
to thrust my desires into your wants

I need to take you

where only we two exist
where no shadow shall cross
where time dares not pass

I need to 

hold you strong in my arms

while you moan hopelessly
wrapping your legs endlessly
clawing my back recklessly
fruitlessly forging one of two

I need to feel every breath of you
to taste your essence
and drunkenly drown my cup
with the elixir of your love

I need you to kill me 

with your lips
with your touch
with your love

I need you to banish me

into the night
into the wind
into these passions

I can no longer subside

I need you to look at me

as if I were just a folly
A game God gave you

to pass away the time

Then try to run from me

 or hide from me
and surely you will find

that I am what you hide inside
and of whom you dream at night

I need you to see me

for the man I want to be
for the love I want to give
for the fool that lays lonely  dreaming of all he needs

A maiden A gypsy A muse
A voice A look A dream
A Madonna A strumpet A love
A passion A moment A night
A timelessness

I need you to hold me mercifully in your palm and pity

Me who you have enslaved with the enchantment of your touch

Me who wanders aimlessly 

in your dreams

Me who waits patiently on your heart



  

November Sky

November

The cold, dark, black, almost blue, heavens are restlessly lit bright by the low hanging quarter moon and decorated by empty tree branches who exaggerate the star-sprinkled view. Cold air fill my lungs  abruptly  meeting my solitude.

 The whirling- burling, rustling leaves invite thoughts of everything and everyone and everyone and everything I ever knew and all is good  and all is true.

Silence. Solitude. Belonging. Oneness. A moment. I think of you.

November sky.

Midnight Love

Midnight love 

As I turn and embrace the black cold moon lit winter's night -I whisper good night my love. I take with me the  honey from your tender rose  petal ,the Jasmine  from your golden hair and I drown myself in the elixir of our forbidden passions.

Ephemeral

Ephemeral

Stray in sunbeams 

searching                           

stealing
Straying sunbeams 

penetrate         

kissing
fragments of  lost morning rain drops 

forming windows of diamonds 

glittering strange light

Kaleidoscope room and funky dance sunbeams 

paint unknowing gray walls in my footpath
Magic

brightness

unquestionable unattainable 

ever moving effervescence in the air tonight. 

Countless strangers hurry         

never pausing - never caring
never gazing at the ephemeral beauty

Here today, gone tomorrow, gone now

MCV

Thanksgiving

Seven months and twenty two days before it happens again.        

Thanksgiving.

Why should I start preparing for next year’s Thanksgiving?

I know why. 

Because of this year's Thanksgiving and the one before that and the one before that and probably because of the one that is coming this fall.  

                  

Disaster.

     

Anyway, it was on sale. 

The cheapest  time to buy anything is the day after the holiday. 

But it's  not the night after Thanksgiving-

And it's stuffing-

How much can you really save on stuffing?  

But I'm here. 

 It's on sale. 

And, it is the good kind. 

The kind with the nice picture on the box of the steaming turkey in the middle of a bountiful table and a family  of happy white people  sitting around smiling.

 Do you know why they are happy?

I'll tell you why they're happy.

It is because their ancestors killed all the Indians that lived here before. 

So today,  they sit peacefully around a beautiful  table eating with no arrows flying over  their heads. 

Poor Indians- happy  white people.

     

I don't know why I celebrate Thanksgiving. It is like me celebrating Kwanzaa or St' Patrick's Day or Hanukkah. I'm not those people. I'm pernil, rice and beans people. 

Why can't there be a pernil stuffing box? A box with smiling Spanish people around a steaming big pig head.  I'll tell you why - it's because we're nuts.

A box with the picture of my house on Thanksgiving would have my tios fighting, my mother and aunt screaming "Dios Mio" and everyone else dancing and drinking in the background.

That would be a great box.

 I would love to see that box. I bet that box would sell like crazy. 

Mmm, I should call GOYA.

But anyway, today I'm making room in the cupboard for fifty, ten cent boxes of smiling white people stuffing for next year.

Happy Thanksgiving. 

The First Kiss

The First Kiss  (A time I didn't want to go home)

     Kiss me one more time I said and I promise I will leave. She lightly touched my lips.  The darkness shielded my cowardice. I didn't want to let her go. I wanted to hold her closer. My body was electric.
     We softly open our eyes. I could see she felt it too. We were bound by an energy. She moved her hand toward mine-  before she touched me I could feel her and she could feel me. And I knew I could not leave her.
     We walked towards the car. I don't know if others were near. I don't even remember if the night was dark or if the day had come. All I knew was that I could never leave her.
     Moments may have passed, words may have been spoken, promises made I don't remember. All I know is I would never leave her. 

someone like you

     I am rushing down a water flume. Water rushing all around me. Drops of water like crystals lay across my eyes to form a transient kaleidoscope. My torso is driven aimlessly by the water that thrust me down and forward-dragged like a doll that has no strength- then silence.

     I'm standing in the middle of a street that is lined with beautiful elm trees. Brownstones hug me as I stroll so easily towards an unknown. Stars break through the branches. The silence caresses my soul.  I feel lonely, longing, melancholic. I think of you or someone like you.

     So I stroll down  the streets not so easily- hoping to find you or someone like you. 

Once I walked with gods

Once I walked with Gods

When the world was young I walked among natives in a land that kissed the heavens.
Clouds lay below, far away, floating borders, reminders that I walked with Gods.
From my spot, I could see the raindrops below. The wind blew cold air and the sun sparkled momentary warmth on my skin.
Silence can be very loud. That is where I walked where silence does not exist - where sound has never found its way.

Fall again

Fall Again

Morning's loneliness  crawls  as slow and deliberate  as does the waking sun.  Eternal dawn. Slowly the earth turns brown. Birds flock to fly. Dew is iced. Windows are framed by frost. Intentional careful movements cross the long wood floor. Lovers reluctantly move, transplanted from their warm strong moment. Eye views.
Vision breaks. Slowly air fills and let's go.The sun ascends. I wonder as did  the dusk.
Magnificent  gold,every shade laid in yellow trim. The clock moves, waking  from its' evening  slumber.
And I raise, and I rise, and I wonder, today maybe falls again.

The Stars and Moon

Tonight

Who holds you close
and whispers those sweet things you love to hear
Who shares your  dreams,
 your tender kiss,
your soft caress
and  tells you the night would be a dark  empty place
 a void in time 
a vast forever loneliness
 if you were absent in time and space
Who tells you everything without speaking a  word
and knows your wants just by knowing your heart
Who disappears in the entanglement of your embrace
and touches  those secret places that free the passions you subside
Who holds you so close that there is no beginning no end
that two are one from dusk to dawn
and Who
Who gives you the stars and moon tonight?

HappPy As

Happy​ ​as … Dancing with you in  ​the​ ​moonlight
​Counting​ ​clouds​ ​singing Blinded​ ​By​ ​the​ ​Light​
Skipping ​ ​an-uh  ​jumping in​ ​the​ ​raindrops​
making​ ​promises​ ​that​ ​we​ ​won't​ ​stop

Happy​ ​as …The​ ​first​ ​day​ ​of​ ​school​ ​
watching​ ​all​ ​the​ ​kids​ ​​ ​play​ ​it​ ​​ ​cool
The smell of  brand​ ​new​ ​sneakers​ in the air
P.K. ​Flyers​ ​make you​ run faster and  ​jump​ ​high-er ​

Crisp​ ​fall​ ​air​ chills​ ​the​ ​bones​ ​just​ ​so right ​​
Monica​ Powell you ​​sure look nice

Happy as ... ​Nuns​ ​are​ ​crazy​ I know
​I've​ ​been​ ​schooled​
Pray​ ​five​ ​Hail​ ​​ ​Mary's​, four​ ​Our​ ​Father’s​ ​
and​ ​get​ ​to​ ​know​ ​your​ ​beatitudes

Sister​ ​Mary​ ​Rita​ ​Aquinas​ ​​ racist  ​nickel stealing​
knuckle​ ​ruler​ ​slapping​ ​faceless​ ​​ ​stone​ ​in​ ​black​ ​and​ ​white
 

​Give​ ​you a​ ​nickel​ ​for​ ​every four​ ​letter​ ​word​ ​that​ ​breaks​ ​my
​Catholic​ ​School​ ​going​ ​lips

​Well​ ​here​ ​is​ ​a​ ​dollar​
kiss​ ​my​ ​ass​ ​​ 33  times  ​and​
​Keep​ ​the​ ​change

Happy as...
​Laughing​ ​all​ ​the​ ​way​ ​to​ the ​principal's​ ​office

Good​ ​morning​ ​Father Joe 

Good​ ​morning​ ​Sister​ ​Catherine​
Thank​ ​you​ ​for​ ​being​ ​so​ ​good

Happy​ ​as ... 583​ ​Uniondale​ ​Avenue Frank's​ ​Pizza.​ ​​
​The​ ​best​ ​pizza​ ​in​ ​the​ ​world, ​No​ ​the​ ​UNIVERSE
​
ExtraCHeese Crispy​Crust​ DRIPping​Oil 55​Cent​ ​Hit​The​​Spot Hit​-me​-Dos
 ​Eat​ ​​ ​strategically 

Bite ​from side​ ​to​ ​side​ ​​  
Crust
​ ​then​ ​Top​ ​
then​ Top​
​then​ Crust​
​​​leave​ ​the​ ​middle​ ​for​ ​the​ ​last

Frank​ ​where​ ​have you​ ​gone?​
A​ ​pupuseria​bodega​charlatan​ ​has​ ​taken​ ​your​ ​space​ ​
but​ ​not​ ​your​ ​spot
You​ ​ruined​ ​all my​ ​pizzas ​since​ ​you​ ​stopped

Happy​ ​As …
Snow​ ​falling​ ​in​ ​the​ ​middle​ ​of​ ​the​ ​night
silence​ ​as​ ​I​ ​shove​ ​the​ ​mounds​ ​from​ ​side​ ​to​ ​side
​
Crispy chilly​ ​​ ​conversations​ ​with​ ​the​ ​sky  ​singing​ ​Domino out loud​
​​ ​O-O​ ​​ ​Domino​,  (TRUMPETS ) ​(bada bada ba ) roll​ ​me​ ​over​ ​Romeo​ ​....
Lord  have​ ​mercy ..  ooOO DOmiNO just give me some of those rhythm and blues
Van​ ​Morrison​ ​you​ ​Irish​ ​Rock​ ​n​ ​Roll​ ​god ​how​ ​do​ ​you​ ​know​ ​what​ ​I​ ​want​ ​to​ ​say​ ​or​ ​how I​ ​feel    Scribe to my soul ​Sláinte​ my​ ​brother       Sláinte
​Translation to all my non drinking Irish deprived brethren  DRINK

Both​ ​my​ ​girls​ ​sleep​ ​warm​ ​tonight

Happy​ ​As…
When​ ​I​ ​held​ ​her​ ​tight  ​her​ ​hand​ ​so​ ​small​ ​was​ ​​ ​all​ ​inside​ ​of​ ​mine ​I​ ​hummed​ ​a​ ​lullaby for our  first stroll

Happy​ ​as …our first night she​ ​was​ ​wrapped​ ​so​ ​tight  ​sneak​ ​a​ ​peek​ ​from​ ​those​ ​wondering​ ​eyes ​stole​ ​my heart​ ​and​ ​changed​ ​my​ ​life​ ​​ ​March​ ​21​ ​1995.
​​ ​
China​ ​doll​ ​face almond​ ​colored​ ​eyes​ ​​hair​ ​as​ ​black as​ ​night​ alligator​ ​tears endless ​ ​hugs​ ​and​ ​the​ sweetest sweetest - sweetest ​smile
Thank​ ​you​ ​for​ ​the​ ​rock that​ ​says​ ​I​ ​am​ ​number​ ​one

Happy As…
Long distance calls to missing friends Endless funny talks about drinking beer smoking weed countless loves and endless dreams he said she said I did who did you did
nau
yhea    
 nau
The stories get longer   and better      as you get older

Happy​ ​As …
Finding the  moments that are magic
because they are not moments at all

Where I like to be..

It is 10 am. I miss you all.

Note to self, this is where I feel at home.

Looking out the window I see skinny trees faintly decorated with pale green leaves spring has started to bloom. People pass by at a brisk pace staring into the sky stealing heat from the morning sun. Their hurried walk and sweater guard suggest we are still not ready to rejoice in the season's full explosion of color and warmth.

I am sitting at a table, it is slightly square, just under a rectangle,hard, deep, thick with a loved dark oak stain that paints the surface, enriches the wall and transcends my soul. A black coffee, sweet, double espresso, perfumes the air and inspires me to think and write.

Walls of words, thoughts of life, moments lived, daydreams caught, lover's woes, conquered dreams, mysterious moments, rhymes with rhythms, scribes as gods.

Parchment awaits. Quill taunts, refrains, moves forward, steady, drunk, don't lift the touch or sanctioned to eternity it will fade. Lost, cursed like the beauty of a snowflake, forgotten, never the same.

Nothing sweeter, lonelier nor less describable then the sanctum created by a scribe with parchment and a quill surrounded by dark oak stained walls, with a window to see the world  and a black coffee, sweet, double espresso.

Note to self. This is where I feel at home.

Morning Haiku

MORNING  Haiku

Lost Lazy Ducks Cross
Aimlessly Patiently Walk
Children Quack and Mothers Talk

Today I Think Of You

It is the  dawn
I know because I can feel its' silence
It is senseless  to get out of bed 

and wake  the Sun
soon enough she will rise alone  pull up the shade and drown me in light

My imagination slowly staggers
It begins with the memory of a fleeting moment then quickly leads me to the demons of regret

So many days  I have walked with my eyes in mourning 

and my heart full of death

So many days I have  searched for you

 and for so many  reasons

it is the dawn

It is the dawn 

I know because I know this color

It is not black or gray or blue 
It is the color that lingers as the stars close their eyes
and the only thing that lights the sky is my solitude

It  is the color of restlessness of hope

of adventures that had no beginning

dreams that had no end

It is the color of my soul
It is the color of my heart
It is  the color  of  the dawn

It is the dawn

I know because you are not here

It is the dawn because tomorrow you will not come

It is the dawn of the beginning
It is the dawn of the end
It is the dawn
It is the dawn

Fall

I woke this morning to find myself thirty pounds heavier, thirty years older,        with a distant  and fading past, 

 a preposterous present                   

and cursed with an infidel future.

Fall had met the Long Island sky. 

Trees rage the heavens with the beauty of their bursting foliage.
Every color of the autumn palette,

golden yellow and forever greens, twinkle like diamonds  dancing in the cold sunlight.

Heather browns and purple reds, fire and light scream that they were here before the inevitable forever winter's night.

The wind whispers it's autumn song  gently kissing the north shores glistening tides. On the water a mirrored reflection of white cotton puffed clouds paint our vision north,south,east and west. 

Beauty disguises the bitter glory, the ending truth, simultaneously reminding  us once we lived in eternal youth.