Dear Boy,
I write this letter my love in hopes that you will hold it forever dear.
My days are counted and as if I could not be cursed further, they grow longer. Morning starts in dark and night never seems to end. My handkerchief fills of red from my constant cough . You would not recognize me; I have rapidly lost so much weight. Consumption they say.
I am lonely. Lonelier then I have ever been. As you know I have always been alone. Alone with my school plans and my room, alone with my thoughts and the dreams I stored for another day. I never regretted this, it was the life I chose. No man would ever had let me live my dream with the conviction and passion of which I give to my students. Jealousy or marital demands would have halted my path. It may have even stopped me from loving you.
Spring is near. The trees have started to bud, early flowers are in bloom a faint consolation to this , winter's hard and endless terror. The roof on the school house needs changing , the books are worn and the desks are tired and scarred. Still everyday the paint free walls grow bright and happy, at least for a few hours, as my children fill the air with their open minds and endless thoughts.The air overloads with their music of laughter and shuffling restlessness . Even with all the activity and restless energy that ignites the air I find myself with an empty thought, a cold dark space that has not been mine in a long time. I find my self forever waiting, waiting, for my boy to come through the door. I wait to see his dark skin and black black hair, curled by the wind.His joyous smile and bubbling words filling my heart. I wait to see those intense dark eyes and feel the fervor of his soul.
I know you are far, and that you left with no thought of me ; I surely was not a consideration when
your life was detoured by the Milliner's daughter's implications. You know by now that you wronged that girl , she was not your conquest alone. I warned you, I warned you often, the devil grows strong in you . You never could control that urge. I pleaded with you to be good ,to not give in , to show your love in labor for your neighbor, to subside that energy, to hold your peace. I would have given you more than words if I could have . No matter now, you are far. I have written you often, Mr Petit has been kind enough to find these letters to you through his friends in France. His friendship and discretion have been valued, for the town still whispers.
Reuben listen to me my son. I am afraid I will not be able to write to you any more, Not for not wanting
and not that I won't pray for you every night. I must stop these letters because my selfish fear of death has
revealed the meaning of my love. I regret not one thing, except not letting you kiss me again.
Your tenderness and your beautiful heart , I hope I did not destroy. You surprised me that day in the school room.I yelled at you as a teacher as an adult. but as a women I cherished the sweetness of your lips and the vulnerability of which you shared. I swear to you, that my love was that of a mother but now in my older days I come to the truth that it was of woman.
I wish you were near or that you would have written back, I would have gone to find you. Together we could have done the goodness that God wants. You have the strength and charisma to make people listen and help save them; I would have taught you the path and shared my love. Age at this point no more matters , it is what is in my heart.
Do you remember reading the Bible by candle light and making baskets for the woodsman's widows. When you were right and enlighten and loved you were a good boy. I am scared to leave Reuben , scared that you will keep your ways. Yes I have heard stories of your debauchery and womanizing . This is wrong my son. The devil will take your soul Please don't follow through this path, I need you to promise , I need to know that what I have sacrificed on earth will be paid to me in heaven. That my loneliness will be rewarded with your eternal love. Please let me rest with the thought that my prays will guide you to me. Please let me lay in peace knowing that the words that have filled my letters were not a spinsters false hope. Please let me know that your kiss was not one of many, that your soft voice was not a disguise, that all the goodness you showed me was not the dddevi''s map.
Follow the righteous path; be good so that from heaven I will know that our feelings, while not timely, were righteous. Let me know by your actions, from this day forward, that you are looking for God and that
in God you will come to me. Tell me please that I will not go to hell because I have failed you and failed my God for loving you. Please Reuben I beg of you if I was your light then let me be your light now.If your feeling were true find your way in the goodness of right.
I go now with the thought ,that God has given you to me. To cherish and love and guide here and in heaven.
I wait for you my love.
Emily Sparks
